How to Increase the Capacity to Care for Others
Lately, I've found myself captivated by the concept of "capacity," particularly as it relates to our ability to care for ourselves and others. In the latest episode of my RECLAIM podcast, my friend and I delve deeply into this idea, exploring how an understanding of our capacity can guide us in choosing whether to turn inward or reach outward.
Let me explain:
Recognizing our level of capacity at any given moment offers crucial insight. When we're operating at low capacity, it signals a need to turn inward—to attend to our physical, mental, or emotional needs. This inward focus can be seen as the ego's way of retreating to consolidate its resources, a move that allows us to address unconscious conflicts or unmet needs that may otherwise deplete our psychic energy. Conversely, when we’re at high capacity, the ego is more robust, enabling us to extend ourselves outward, engage with others, and care for them without the unconscious burden of unresolved issues.
In our society, there’s a strong emphasis on external capacity—caring for others—as a measure of worth or virtue, often at the expense of inner capacity—caring for ourselves. This societal pressure can be understood through the psychoanalytic concept of the superego, which internalizes societal norms and ideals, sometimes to the detriment of the self. However, I've learned that by prioritizing my own needs, engaging in healing work, and extending care toward myself first, I expand my capacity to support others. This self-care process involves the integration of both conscious desires and unconscious drives, allowing me to tend to others without experiencing resentment, frustration, or the burden of unmet expectations—a sign of a well-balanced ego.
My ability to care for others deepens as my capacity to embrace my own complexity grows. This growth reflects the development of a more nuanced understanding of my internal world, where acknowledging and processing unconscious material enables a more authentic and sustainable outward engagement.
Given the current state of the world and my natural inclination to prioritize others, I’ve found it helpful to regularly assess my capacity levels. By asking myself how I’m feeling, gauging my energy, and identifying unmet needs, I gain a clearer sense of what I can genuinely offer to others each day. This ongoing self-assessment mirrors the psychoanalytic practice of self-reflection, a process that fosters insight and helps regulate the balance between self-care and other-care.
During times when we may feel immense pressure to show up for others in a big way, this approach offers a balanced way to evaluate what we’re truly capable of and where our limitations lie. It’s an acknowledgment of the ego's boundaries, a recognition that our capacity to care for others is intrinsically linked to our capacity to care for ourselves.
If you’re anything like me, you might find yourself comparing your pain to that of others, diminishing your own needs in the process. In psychoanalytic terms, this can be seen as a form of narcissistic wounding, where the comparison leads to the repression of one’s own needs or feelings. It’s important to remember that our experiences are valid, regardless of how others are experiencing their lives. Your pain is allowed to feel as big as it needs to feel—there is no hierarchy of pain. When we invalidate our own experiences in the shadow of others' suffering, we risk repressing emotions that may later manifest as symptoms or maladaptive behaviors.
There might be a tendency, especially now, to feel like you can’t complain because at least you’re not in someone else’s situation. While it’s essential to acknowledge privilege where it exists, that doesn’t invalidate your own experiences. You’re allowed to have feelings, no matter what others are going through. This acknowledgment is crucial in maintaining psychic equilibrium and preventing the unconscious buildup of resentment or guilt.
And yes, while it’s kind to be mindful of where and how you seek support—avoiding placing your feelings on those who may be struggling with their own burdens—that doesn’t make your feelings any less real. In fact, recognizing and validating your own capacity and emotional state is essential in fostering genuine and supportive relationships.
Knowing your capacity and resisting the urge to compare are key elements in enhancing our ability to support others. This self-awareness allows us to engage in caring relationships from a place of authenticity and balance, where our actions are aligned with both our conscious intentions and unconscious needs.