How to Know Therapy Is Working (In Subtle but Powerful Ways)

Many people enter therapy hoping for a dramatic shift, a sudden sense of clarity, a complete absence of anxiety, or a total transformation in how they navigate relationships. But real healing doesn’t happen overnight, nor does it always come with grand, obvious moments of change. More often, therapy works in quiet, subtle ways, shifts in thought patterns, small adjustments in how you respond to yourself and others, and new ways of processing emotions that gradually build into something more lasting.

If you’ve ever wondered whether therapy is actually helping, here are some of the signs that it is, just not in the way you might have expected.

1. You notice yourself having new, different kinds of thoughts about yourself.

We all carry internal narratives and deeply ingrained beliefs about who we are, often shaped by early experiences. Many people struggling with the worthiness wound® have thoughts that sound like:

• I’m not good enough.

• I have to prove my value.

• If I make a mistake, people will leave me.

One of the earliest signs that therapy is working is that these thoughts start to shift. Maybe you notice yourself questioning them rather than accepting them as truth. Maybe you hear a different voice emerging, one that says, Maybe I am enough. Maybe I don’t have to earn my worth. These small cognitive shifts are the foundation of deeper healing.

2. You are able to talk about your feelings more often than act on them.

Before therapy, emotions might feel overwhelming, like something that happens to you, rather than something you can work with. If you’ve ever reacted in ways you later regretted, shut down completely, or avoided difficult feelings at all costs, you’re not alone.

One of the ways therapy facilitates change is by helping you slow down. Instead of being driven by emotions, you start to observe them. You might notice:

• I’m feeling angry right now, rather than immediately lashing out.

• This is bringing up sadness for me, rather than pushing it away.

This ability to name and process emotions, rather than being consumed by them, is a sign of growing emotional regulation.

3. You can tell your therapist thoughts and feelings you are having about them in the moment.

This is a big one, and it might feel uncomfortable at first. Therapy isn’t just about talking to your therapist, it’s about noticing and working through what comes up with them.

Maybe you feel frustrated with something they said. Maybe you feel embarrassed for sharing something vulnerable. Maybe you’re worried they’ll judge you. The ability to name these feelings in the therapy room is incredibly powerful because it mirrors how you show up in relationships outside of therapy. If you can explore these feelings in a safe, contained space, it becomes easier to navigate them in your everyday life.

4. You become more aware of having certain thoughts and feelings toward other people.

So much of what we do in relationships is automatic. We assume, we react, we project, but often, we don’t pause to ask ourselves why we are responding in a certain way.

Therapy helps you step back and observe:

• I feel defensive whenever my partner asks me a question. Why is that?

• I assume my friend is mad at me, but do I have any evidence of that?

• I feel really uncomfortable when someone compliments me—where does that come from?

This awareness creates space for choice. Instead of repeating old patterns, you can begin to shift them.

5. You get curious about what you’re feeling and thinking rather than immediately reacting or defending.

For many of us, defensiveness or avoidance is a learned survival mechanism. If you grew up feeling emotionally unsafe, shutting down or reacting quickly may have been the only way to protect yourself.

But therapy teaches you something different, it teaches you how to stay with your feelings, how to be curious about them instead of fearful. Instead of immediately thinking:

• I have to fix this.

• I have to make this go away.

You might find yourself pausing and asking:

• Why does this feel so big for me?

• What am I afraid of here?

• Where have I felt this before?

This shift from judgment to curiosity is where deep healing begins.

6. You can bear other people having thoughts and feelings without needing to change them.

When we struggle with the worthiness wound®, other people’s emotions can feel like a demand, as if their disappointment, frustration, or sadness is something we must fix in order to be “good enough.” This often leads to:

• Over-functioning in relationships

• Feeling responsible for everyone else’s happiness

• Constantly managing how others feel at the expense of yourself

One of the most liberating shifts in therapy is realizing:

• I don’t have to fix this.

• I can be present with someone’s feelings without absorbing them.

• Other people’s emotions are theirs to hold, not mine to carry.

This ability to tolerate discomfort, to allow others to have their experiences without immediately trying to change or control them, is a sign of emotional growth and healthier boundaries.

Healing Happens in Subtle Ways

Therapy isn’t about eliminating struggle or achieving perfection. It’s about shifting the way you relate to yourself, your emotions, and the world around you. These changes might not be as immediately noticeable as a big breakthrough, but they are what create real, lasting transformation.

So if you find yourself wondering, Is therapy even working?, take a step back and notice the small ways you’re thinking, feeling, and responding differently. Because those subtle shifts? They’re everything.