Beyond Getting: The Surprising Purpose of Relationships

"We don't have relationships to get our needs met, we have relationships to discover what our needs might be." – Adam Phillips

We often think of relationships as the place where we go to get something—love, validation, companionship, support. And while these are important and meaningful aspects of being with others, what if the deeper function of relationship isn't so much about receiving but about revealing?

Adam Phillips’ quote invites us to consider that relationships are not simply transactional spaces to meet pre-established needs, but rather, dynamic spaces where those needs come into focus in the first place.

The Illusion of Knowing

Much of modern culture encourages a kind of certainty about our desires. Know what you want. Set boundaries. Communicate your needs. Be clear. And there’s value in that clarity. But sometimes, especially when we’ve had to survive relationships that didn’t allow for our full emotional expression, we don’t actually know what we need. Or we’ve learned to override or minimize those needs altogether.

This is where relationships become revelatory.

They show us, not always gently, what we long for, what we fear, what we’re missing, and what we’ve been carrying for far too long.

The Interpersonal Mirror

In psychoanalytic terms, the self is not a fixed entity—it’s formed and shaped in relation to others. This means that our sense of need is not static either. Our longings, defenses, and relational patterns become illuminated through interaction. Sometimes it’s only in a relationship that we discover the ache for closeness we didn’t know we had, or that we realize how terrifying vulnerability feels. We find out that what we thought was "neediness" was actually a healthy desire for intimacy. Or that our craving for independence was shaped by years of feeling emotionally unsafe.

Relationships reflect us back to ourselves. And often, they show us the parts we’ve hidden or silenced.

A Different Kind of Goal

If we enter relationships assuming we already know exactly what we need and expect the other person to fulfill it, we may be closing the door on something more profound. What if we allowed relationships to be spaces of curiosity, discovery, and emergence—not just solutions to existing problems?

In therapy, for instance, the goal isn’t to "fix" you by identifying a checklist of unmet needs and solving them. It’s to cultivate a space where your emotional world can unfold—sometimes unpredictably. Through the therapeutic relationship, you may begin to name what was previously inarticulable, to want in ways that once felt dangerous, or to feel in places that were once frozen.

An Invitation

So here’s the invitation: What if you approached your relationships not only as containers for mutual support, but also as living laboratories for deeper knowing? What might be possible if your focus wasn't just on getting your needs met, but on discovering what those needs truly are?

This is not easy work. It requires emotional risk, openness, and a willingness to not always have the answer. But it is also where the richest parts of our lives often begin.