What We Don’t Address, We Repeat
We like to believe that time heals all wounds. That if we simply move forward, the past will lose its hold on us. But in reality, what we don’t address, we repeat. The pain we push down doesn’t disappear, it finds its way into our relationships, our self-worth, and our ability to trust.
Psychoanalysis calls this the repetition compulsion: the unconscious drive to recreate unresolved wounds, not because we want to suffer, but because our psyche is searching for resolution.
The Patterns We Can’t Escape
Many of us find ourselves drawn to familiar dynamics, even when they hurt us.
We choose partners who mirror the emotional unavailability we grew up with.
We sabotage opportunities because they challenge the deep-seated belief that we aren’t good enough.
We struggle to accept kindness because it contradicts our internalized sense of worthlessness.
These patterns aren’t random—they are unconscious attempts to master what was once overwhelming. The mind seeks to rework unfinished business, hoping that this time it will be different. But without awareness, we are simply reliving the same wound, over and over again.
Why Awareness is Not Enough
Simply recognizing these patterns isn’t enough to stop them. Understanding that we are drawn to unavailable partners won’t suddenly make us capable of choosing someone different. The real work comes in feeling through the pain we’ve avoided, grieving what wasn’t given to us, and expanding our capacity to tolerate new, unfamiliar experiences.
Healing requires us to do more than name our wounds—it asks us to sit with them, to listen to them, and to gently unravel the defenses we built to survive.
Breaking the Cycle
If you find yourself repeating the same painful experiences, ask yourself:
What am I hoping will be different this time?
What am I avoiding feeling?
What part of me still believes I don’t deserve something better?
Bringing awareness to these patterns isn’t about blaming yourself, it’s about opening the door to something new. Because once we recognize the cycle, we have the power to break it.
We do not repeat our wounds because we are broken. We repeat them because there is still something unresolved within us. The work is not to shame ourselves for these patterns but to meet them with curiosity, tenderness, and the willingness to step into something different.