The Problem with Positive Thinking

When I was in 6th grade, I decided that I wanted to become a Buddhist. The idea that life is fundamentally rooted in suffering resonated deeply with me. As a sensitive and lonely child, I found solace in a belief system that acknowledged my pain. Buddhism seemed to meet me where I was, validating my experiences of suffering in a way that nothing else had.

However, as I grew older and delved into the world of self-development, I was confronted with a starkly different message: Life is not suffering; suffering is merely a matter of perspective. If you want to avoid suffering, all you have to do is focus on the positive.

For instance, I recently came across an article titled 10 Ways to Be More Successful. One of the suggestions was to “replace automatic negative thoughts in your brain with positive ones.” The article went on to assert, “Women spend so much time questioning if they’re good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. As soon as you hear any inner critical voice judging you, replace it with the phrase, ‘I am enough.’”

The implication is simple: replace negative thoughts with positive ones, focus on the positive, and not only will you avoid suffering, but you’ll also eradicate feelings of inadequacy.

Yet, this approach dismisses the complex reality of our emotional lives. The feelings of not-enoughness that many of us experience are not merely a mindset issue. Replacing one thought with another does little to address the deeper, unconscious roots of our suffering. Our thoughts, after all, carry underlying messages that demand to be understood, not simply silenced with positivity.

It’s no wonder that we’re so drawn to the allure of positive thinking—it offers an illusion of control, a way to sidestep the inevitable pains of life that Buddha spoke of thousands of years ago. With just a few focused thoughts, we can supposedly transform every loss into a win, ensuring our perpetual happiness.

But what I have observed time and again is that forcing ourselves into a state of positivity can be counterproductive to our resilience.

I recently heard a tragic story about a father who was dying of cancer. Despite having held a life insurance policy for many years, he convinced himself that keeping it would signify a lack of faith. He believed that his thoughts created his reality, and that maintaining life insurance would invite negative outcomes. As a result, just months before his death, he canceled the policy, leaving his family in financial ruin.

While this may seem like an extreme example of the dangers of equating positivity with control, it mirrors a more common, yet equally harmful, tendency: the denial of reality because it feels too hard to bear.

For a long time, I avoided watching the news, preferring to live in a bubble where I could control the level of positivity in my life. It wasn’t until world events began to directly affect me that I realized it wasn’t the news that was overwhelming—it was my resistance to sitting with the difficult emotions that came with being an engaged, moral citizen.

Forcing ourselves into a state of “positive vibes only” not only deprives us of the rich, transformative experience of emotions like grief, sadness, anger, and frustration—emotions that are essential to our growth—it also prevents us from being authentic with others about our pain, thus cutting us off from genuine community support.

If we are to develop true resilience, the capacity to engage with the world as it is, rather than as we wish it to be, we must, as author Susan David reminds us, cultivate the ability to be with all of our emotions, including the difficult ones. We must honor our suffering.

Because what happens when we tell ourselves that focusing on the positive will make everything okay, and then things don’t turn out okay? We internalize the failure, blaming ourselves for not being positive enough. We experience shame for our perceived inadequacies, and we push those feelings down because we haven’t learned how to use them as a guide for living a more authentic life.

We end up feeling numb, disconnected from our true selves, and unworthy.

On a collective scale, this obsession with positivity is contributing to rising rates of depression and anxiety worldwide. We must move away from this narrative if we hope to create a more compassionate and empathetic world, one that acknowledges and embraces the full spectrum of human experience.

So, I implore you: instead of focusing solely on the positive or trying to “see the bright side,” practice honoring all of your emotions as they arise. Instead of trying to make others feel better, sit with them in their pain. Instead of denying what is, breathe into the present moment, knowing that everything passes when met with attention and curiosity.

What you will find is a greater sense of peace, comfort, and, not-so-ironically, happiness—just as the Buddha predicted.