What Is Your Rigidity Really About?

Rigidity is often a sign that there is a wound underneath.

It’s important to remember that you can cultivate stability without becoming rigid.

I first noticed rigidity within myself around food. I had rigid rules about what to eat, when to eat, how often I should exercise, and even when to exercise. Any deviation from these plans would send me into a spiral of shame and overwhelm. At the time, I believed that these rigid rules were the only things keeping me together.

However, through my healing work, I discovered that rigidity often masks deeper, unresolved emotional wounds. When we explore our rigid behaviors with curiosity and offer compassion to the places where we feel righteous, we open ourselves to new ways of being. We become softer.

The Psychoanalytic Lens on Rigidity

From a psychoanalytic perspective, rigidity can be seen as a defense mechanism—an unconscious strategy the mind employs to protect itself from perceived threats or unresolved internal conflicts. Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, would argue that this rigidity is a manifestation of repressed anxiety or unprocessed emotions, often stemming from early experiences where we felt out of control, vulnerable, or unsafe.

The rigid rules we create for ourselves—whether about food, routines, or relationships—are often attempts to impose order on an inner world that feels chaotic or frightening. These rules give us a sense of control, but they also limit our flexibility and capacity to adapt to new situations. In psychoanalytic terms, this rigidity can be understood as a way to avoid confronting the deeper fears or traumas that lie beneath the surface.

The Strength in Softness

The idea of embracing softness can be intimidating, especially when we equate softness with weakness or vulnerability. However, psychoanalysis teaches us that true strength lies in the ability to hold and integrate our vulnerabilities, not in denying them. Softness, in this context, is not about being a pushover or losing yourself; it’s about being adaptable and resilient. It's about maintaining a strong sense of self while being open to change.

Carl Jung, a pioneer in depth psychology, emphasized the importance of integrating the "shadow"—the parts of ourselves that we reject or deny. Rigidity often represents a refusal to acknowledge these shadow aspects. By softening, we allow these disowned parts to surface, offering us the opportunity to integrate them and become more whole.

Identifying and Understanding Rigidity

Start by noticing where you are closed off to change, where it’s “your way or the highway,” or where you are inflexible. Rigidity often feels like holy righteousness, but when we dig deeper, we often find fear—fear that if we bend, we will break. This fear is rooted in the unconscious, where past wounds and unresolved conflicts reside.

Rigidity can manifest as the inability to go even a day without a certain ritual without feeling bad or broken. It can show up as upholding rules or expectations of yourself or others that are hurting you. It can look like demanding that life be a certain way.

Balancing Structure and Flexibility

This is not to say that rules and structure aren’t important, or that being firm in your values is wrong. There is, of course, a place for all of it. But it’s essential to distinguish between setting up structures for success and rigidly believing that success lies in being unbendable.

In psychoanalysis, we understand that rigidity is not inherently wrong. You are not broken or bad for being rigid. In fact, rigidity can be a gift because it points directly to a painful space within you that needs tending. These rigid patterns are like signposts, directing us to the areas of our psyche that require attention and care.

Approaching Rigidity with Compassion

When you notice rigidity in your life, how do you respond? Do you meet it with more rigidity? Or, knowing that this is a place that needs tending, can you tread more softly and see it as an opportunity to practice self-compassion?

In psychoanalysis, the process of healing often involves bringing unconscious material into conscious awareness—what Freud called “making the unconscious conscious.” This process requires curiosity, patience, and a willingness to explore the parts of ourselves that we may have long avoided or denied.

The Transformative Power of Curiosity

Curiosity can change everything. By approaching our rigidity with curiosity rather than judgment, we open the door to deeper understanding and healing. We begin to unravel the complex web of defenses, fears, and unresolved emotions that underlie our rigid behaviors. And in doing so, we create the possibility for transformation and growth.

So, the next time you notice rigidity in your life, I invite you to approach it with curiosity and compassion. You may be surprised at what you discover.