When You Get Called Out for a Mistake

Let’s explore that moment when you realize you've made a mistake and someone holds you accountable. The feeling of recognition—whether from a message, a phone call, or an email—that you have acted out of integrity can be deeply unsettling. The immediate physical and emotional reactions are visceral: your stomach drops, your chest tightens, and your palms sweat. It’s as though the ground has shifted beneath you, leaving you exposed and vulnerable.

So, what comes next? Often, the instinct is to justify, to argue that you were right, or to downplay the significance of the error. This defensive reaction is rooted in cognitive dissonance, a psychological phenomenon where the mind strives to reconcile the conflict between one’s actions and deeply held beliefs. When we face a discrepancy between our behavior and our self-concept, our brain works overtime to rationalize and protect our self-image.

From a psychoanalytic standpoint, this defense mechanism is a reflection of how intertwined our actions are with our identity. For example, if you value honesty highly, any admission of dishonesty might feel like a threat to your core self. This defensive posture stems from what psychoanalysts describe as the ego's attempt to shield itself from internal conflict and shame.

Understanding this, we recognize that our immediate reactions to being called out are often defensive because they are not just about the mistake, but about how that mistake challenges our sense of self. The ego, feeling attacked, rallies to protect its integrity, sometimes leading to blame-shifting or denial.

However, this approach can leave us feeling disconnected from our true self and perpetuate a cycle of defensiveness. The goal is to transcend this cycle by embracing our imperfections and engaging in a more authentic self-inquiry.

1. Acknowledge the Pain

Before jumping into defensive mode, allow yourself to fully experience the emotional impact of the situation. This means sitting with the discomfort—acknowledging the gut-wrenching feelings of shame, guilt, and indignation without immediately acting on them. Writing out your initial reactions without sending them can be a useful exercise. It’s essential to recognize and honor these emotions as part of your human experience.

In psychoanalytic terms, this step involves facing the “wounded self” within you. By confronting the pain rather than fleeing from it, you begin the process of integrating these emotions into a more balanced self-awareness. Ask yourself if there is any kernel of truth in the feedback, and be open to exploring this without self-criticism. The goal is not to indulge in self-flagellation but to engage in a compassionate self-inquiry that can reveal deeper insights about your behavior and underlying motivations.

2. Allow for Reflection

Give yourself permission to take a step back and breathe. This pause is not merely about distancing yourself from the issue but about creating space for self-compassion and reflection. Consider this time as a period of holding and nurturing the vulnerable aspects of yourself. This reflection allows you to process the feedback in a more integrated way and to approach it with greater clarity and understanding.

This stage aligns with the psychoanalytic concept of “holding space,” where you provide yourself with the emotional support needed to process complex feelings. Engaging in activities that help you decompress—such as taking a walk or practicing mindfulness—can aid in maintaining this space for reflection.

3. Respond from Your Best Self

When you’re ready, aim to respond from a place of your best self—one that embodies authenticity, trust, and self-worth. If you find that you need more time to process, communicate this need to the other party. This step involves accessing a deeper sense of self that transcends immediate defensiveness.

Psychoanalytically, this process reflects moving beyond the reactive ego and engaging with a more self-aware and grounded self. By acting from this higher perspective, you embrace the opportunity for genuine growth and connection, rather than remaining trapped in ego-driven responses.

By following these steps, you begin to cultivate a practice of authentic leadership and self-responsibility. You start to trust in yourself and view mistakes as opportunities for growth rather than threats to your identity.

As a final thought: If nature itself thrives in its inherent imperfections, how can we, as part of nature, condemn ourselves for making mistakes? Embrace your flaws as a natural part of your journey towards becoming more integrated and self-aware.