Many people enter therapy hoping for a dramatic shift, a sudden sense of clarity, a complete absence of anxiety, or a total transformation in how they navigate relationships. But real healing doesn’t happen overnight, nor does it always come with grand, obvious moments of change. More often, therapy works in quiet, subtle ways, shifts in thought patterns, small adjustments in how you respond to yourself and others, and new ways of processing emotions that gradually build into something more lasting.

If you’ve ever wondered whether therapy is actually helping, here are some of the signs that it is, just not in the way you might have expected.

Perfectionism is often misunderstood. To some, it may appear as a harmless or even admirable trait—the pursuit of excellence, attention to detail, and a commitment to getting things “right.” But beneath the surface, perfectionism often masks a much deeper struggle: a relentless effort to prove one’s worth in a world that feels unforgiving. Perfectionism is intimately tied to the worthiness wound, and addressing it is not just about easing stress or learning to "let go"—it’s about healing a profound and often unconscious sense of inadequacy.

I have been thinking a lot about despair lately and how quickly it can seize our hearts and take over our minds. It seems there is much to be despairing about, at the global level down to the interpersonal, and it can be hard to know what we can do about it when it all feels so consuming.

Where do we look for relief? Is it even ok to look for relief?

Making empowered decisions is a hallmark of effective leadership and personal success. Yet, the process can become fraught when past experiences lead to self-doubt, inhibiting our ability to trust ourselves. The psychological impact of past "mistakes" can leave us hesitant, fearing that any future decision might repeat the pain or failure.

Emotions are a fundamental aspect of our psyche, deeply connected to our sense of self and how we navigate the world. From a psychoanalytic perspective, the importance of feeling our emotions cannot be overstated. Emotions serve as a bridge between our unconscious mind and our conscious awareness, offering us insights into our inner world and motivations.

I want to dive into the topic of healing today, and specifically around emotional healing.

During a time of great discourse in our country and in the world, it’s important we recognize and learn how to navigate the inner stuff that may be coming up in order to take greater, more impactful action.

In a world where visibility often equates to power, many women struggle with being seen. This struggle is not merely about physical presence; it’s about having one’s voice, ideas, and experiences recognized and valued. The difficulty women face in being seen is deeply rooted in historical, societal, and psychological factors that continue to shape our lives today.

Let’s explore that moment when you realize you've made a mistake and someone holds you accountable. The feeling of recognition—whether from a message, a phone call, or an email—that you have acted out of integrity can be deeply unsettling. The immediate physical and emotional reactions are visceral: your stomach drops, your chest tightens, and your palms sweat. It’s as though the ground has shifted beneath you, leaving you exposed and vulnerable.

Impatience manifests in various ways for different people. In my practice, I see impatience often emerge as either a self-directed frustration—“I know better, but I keep falling into the same patterns”—or as a dissatisfaction with life’s pace—“I’m doing everything right; why aren’t I seeing results?”

The concept of the "worthiness wound" reflects a deep, pervasive sense of inadequacy and the fear of being "too much" for others, often rooted in early relational experiences. The term captures the core struggle many individuals, particularly women, face in balancing a desire for intimacy with the fear of rejection or overwhelm.

Healing is fundamentally relational, yet not every relationship fosters healing, nor can every relationship be healed.

I first noticed rigidity within myself around food. I had rigid rules about what to eat, when to eat, how often I should exercise, and even when to exercise. Any deviation from these plans would send me into a spiral of shame and overwhelm. At the time, I believed that these rigid rules were the only things keeping me together.

However, through my healing work, I discovered that rigidity often masks deeper, unresolved emotional wounds. When we explore our rigid behaviors with curiosity and offer compassion to the places where we feel righteous, we open ourselves to new ways of being. We become softer.

Anger holds significant importance from a psychoanalytic perspective, particularly in understanding its role in human emotions and relationships. When anger is dismissed or misunderstood, it can lead to emotional repression or reactive behavior. Many individuals grow up in environments where anger is equated with destructive actions—yelling, hitting, or punishing—which distorts their understanding of the emotion. This association leads to fear and avoidance of anger, as it is perceived as inherently dangerous or unproductive.

Avoiding disappointment by trying to have “no expectations” is a misguided strategy. Disappointment itself is not a problem that needs fixing; rather, it’s an inherent part of the human experience that offers valuable insights into ourselves.

From a psychoanalytic perspective, the urge to protect others from disappointment often reflects our own unresolved fears and defenses against this emotion. Disappointment is an inherent part of human experience, yet many of us develop defenses to avoid it, both for ourselves and others. This tendency is rooted in early childhood experiences where disappointment was either mishandled or overwhelming.

Lately, I've found myself captivated by the concept of "capacity," particularly as it relates to our ability to care for ourselves and others. In the latest episode of my RECLAIM podcast, my friend and I delve deeply into this idea, exploring how an understanding of our capacity can guide us in choosing whether to turn inward or reach outward.